My Little Dog and I

My latest thoughts have wandered
As they so often do
To pondering how relationships
Reflect the love of Christ
Different bonds reveal different things
But sometimes I think
God's love is best mirrored
Between my dog and I

My little dog, she does not worry
For food, nor water, nor bed
She trusts
I will take care of her
And I provide
What she needs when she needs it

Though we don't share the same language
She understands my tone
And I hers
She recognizes my voice
And I know her bark,
Her growl, and her sigh

She longs to follow me
Wherever I go
But when I must leave her behind
She believes in my return
Patiently, she waits
With eager eyes and a wiggling tail

When I come back
She shouts for joy
And scampers around the room
Her licks and nibbles and whines
Tell me how much she missed me,
How glad she is that I'm home

In times of distress
Her eyes search mine
She comes to me to be kept safe
I hold her
My voice soothing and hand gentle
And we comfort each other

But best of all is when we both are tired
And lay side by side
Her, nestled in the crook of my arm
The world stops
Our hearts swell with love and peace
And for a short while
I can imagine
What eternity in heaven might feel like

Just my little dog and I

~

Some inspiring verses:

1 John 4:16
Matthew 6:26-32
Romans 8:26-27
John 10:27
1 Peter 1:8
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Philippians 4:6-7
Psalm 4:8
Revelation 21:4

Nostalgia sure ain't what it used to be

Last Mother's Day (2019), my sister and I bought my mom a year-long "subscription" (for lack of a better word) to StoryWorth. (Not affiliated or promoted, just stating facts!) Once a week, your loved one gets some kind of insightful question about their life to answer, and they can respond via email or the website. They can even upload pictures to go along with each "story." So the idea is, after a year, you end up with a book of endearing memories that transcend time and space. (À la Seinfeld: yada yada yada... you get the idea.)

While I was at my mom's over the weekend, she asked me for more of my memories that she could write about. (Kind of defeats the purpose... but I let it slide.) I reminded her of some basic facets of my childhood... but I think this prompt is what sunk me into a deep nostalgia rut. The word 'nostalgia' itself is a very telling word: 'nostos' (Greek), meaning "return home" and 'algos,' meaning "pain." So essentially, "homecoming pain" or "homesickness."

Everyone feels nostalgia now and then, but I find it to be a little like quicksand: if you stand in it too long, you start to sink and get stuck. What started as some thoughtful reminiscing about a favorite Disney/Pixar movie then reminded me of another movie, which reminded me of one of my favorite college marching band shows. I started thinking of so many different tunes and drill and form and moments. Band camp, and rehearsals, and (a very few) unbelievable football victories, and (a lot more) heartbreaking football defeats. Memories of playing the fight song everywhere, chants, roving... but at the end of the day, always coming together as one united group and singing "The Bells of Iowa State." From there, it was a short trip to high school marching band memories, and then flashes of so many different instances of people and places throughout my entire life. Most of these memories are happy, and great, and wonderful... but the more I thought about them all, the more I felt sad - a deep heartache. I miss being a part of these things. I miss the hard work and the joy that came with it. I miss the people. And behind it all, is this loss - this feeling that all of these things are gone now, and can never be recaptured. They live on only in memories, because they can't be experienced again. In a way, they're dead. And how strange, to have all these full sections of my life that are completely unknown to some of the people I know now!

Maybe it hurts just a little bit more than it normally would at this moment, because we are all living in this uncertain haze. Will there be football in the fall? What will sports look like? What will amusement parks look like, or international travel, or theater? A lot of the 4th of July celebrations were cancelled this year. The state fair is cancelled. What will school look like? When will it all go back to normal? ...Will it ever go back to normal? "Lord, how long will this go on?" (Isaiah 6:11)

There are days when the pain brought on by all of this unknown is just too much to bear. We are all grieving, and if you've never experienced grief, let me tell you that it can be a miserable process. Sometimes you're fine, and sometimes you're not. Sometimes you think you've accepted it, and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one again. You deny, and you rage, and you cry, and you bargain. And then eventually... you wake up one day and realize you're in a good place. You don't remember getting there. You wonder if it will last. ...But for now, you're ok. And you will be ok.

I'm not there yet, with COVID. Some days, I'm still in the denial phase. (I'd love for it to take the hint and get lost.) But even though I can't relive all the weird patchwork echoes of my past that have shaped me into the person I am now, I can trust that there are going to be more (different, unique, but just as lovely) memories I'll make in the future... and life will eventually feel normal again, whether it looks the way I'm used to or ends up being a bit different. This is all part of a grand plan, and I'm just along for the ride. (And for the record: don't hesitate to ask me about anything marching band-related. I would be delighted to show you my favorite memories! 😉)