I recently got out of an abusive relationship.
It's been a couple of months now. Honestly, I wasn't aware I had been in that kind of a relationship until a short time ago. Abuse has a way of blinding us to the truth.
It never got physical - but I think mental/emotional abuse can be just as traumatizing, if not more so. I don't think the relationship started out abusive, but it certainly became abusive.
He became increasingly more controlling over my time. "You were late... where were you? Don't do that. You need to tell me when something comes up!" ... But there were double standards. If he was ever late, it was no big deal. He never made time for me, but I was expected to make time for him.
He was constantly critical of me. I was never enough for him. I was rarely appreciated. There was always something I could be doing better, or something that needed more of my attention. I couldn't satisfy him, no matter how hard I tried. Sometimes, I was outright blamed for things that he had done wrong. Sometimes, he gaslighted me. I went out of my way to reassure him, but my needs were never important.
I became convinced that this was my fault, somehow. If I just tried harder, if I just devoted more time... I could make this work, and he would see my value. If I just did more, he would love me for all that I brought to the relationship. It was my responsibility to give this my all. I wasn't going to give up on us. We even tried a little bit of counseling. He was nice to me, for a little while.
I tried to talk to him. He listened. He even apologized, once, for making me feel the way that I did. He told me he would really think about everything I said. He promised more conversations. He said things would change. ... He never delivered.
I began to realize that this relationship was destructive... but I felt trapped. He had control over my finances. How could I leave? And if I could find a way, what if I ended up in a worse relationship? What if this was the best I could ever do, and I was giving it up? Was he really that bad? Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.
Thank goodness I took a risk. Finally, I had had enough. I decided I couldn't stay in that relationship any longer. I remember the day I committed to telling him I was breaking up with him. My hands were trembling, and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I told him we needed to talk. I said my piece. He was quiet, and calm - too calm. "Well, that sucks," he said. "But I understand."
That was it. There was no emotion behind it - like he was never that invested in our relationship in the first place. He tried to keep some of my personal belongings from me, but I wouldn't let him. We said goodbye. He offered me one final, cold platitude: that every time he had criticized me or pushed me harder, he was really showing me that he loved me. And then, I left.
I want to tell you that I danced home, after I got out. I would love to say I threw a party. But I didn't. No, I cried over the loss of that relationship. I know now that it wasn't real love, but it still hurt to lose him. I'm embarrassed to say that for a few days, I missed his company. I think it hurt worse, because he acted like it didn't bother him at all. After all this time, he just shrugged. I didn't mean as much to him as I thought.
Now, I know better. I've grown. With separation, came clarity: he was manipulating and controlling me. He was using me. He never had my best interests at heart. I was just a means to an end for him. And you know what? I deserve better. And there is better out there!
Moral of the story: don't stay in an abusive relationship. Get out. You are worth it. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel 'less than.' It's not easy, but time really does heal all wounds.
Disclaimer: This isn't about a romantic relationship, but the framework applies all the same.
