Insecurity Breach

I've always longed to be understood.

I was never the popular kid in school. I wasn't the girl who had a lifelong best friend since kindergarten. I wasn't even someone who had a mortal enemy. I was just... that social chameleon who can get along with whoever. The studious girl. The one who seems nice, but who usually isn't worth the time investment. She's too quiet. She's too smart. She's too agreeable. She keeps to herself too much. I don't get her.

In high school, I thought I finally hit the jackpot. I made friends with a new girl. Neither of us really had any close friends, so it seemed perfect. We never got to hang out as much as I always imagined one would, with a best friend. I fantasized about having deep, meaningful, philosophical discussions - the kind where you bare your soul: your doubts, your fears, your insecurities, your hopes, your dreams, your life. The kind of conversations where you can talk about anything without judgment, without condemnation, without that nagging sense of worry, because you trust you will be loved and accepted for who you are. You know someone appreciates you for being unapologetically, uniquely you. No strings attached.

I've thought I found that a few times. But I got hurt. I withdrew. I came to the conclusion that it's generally not worth the risk, to be vulnerable. The prospect for pain and disappointment is too great. And so it has been.

That desire for connection is still there. Once in awhile, it rears its head, and it demands to have a seat at the table. It insists on being heard. Most of the time, I can wait it out. I can beat it back down into submission. I can pacify it by throwing myself hard into work, or a video game, or focusing on other people. Occasionally, a little glistening, sparkle of sincerity and candor leaks out in a passing sentence. (Blink and you might miss it.) Sometimes I'll wait. I'll wonder if, this time, someone might pull hard enough on the yarn to unravel the knot around my heart. That yearning is always there, lurking in the depths of my soul, wanting to be seen. Desperate to be understood.

The blog could end here, unceremoniously... hopelessly. Let's turn this around with a couple of takeaways.

If you know me, and you're intrigued and would like to get to know me better... ask. And ask again. Keep asking. Honestly, I love probing questions. I love to think, and sometimes it's fun to get caught off-guard. I want to get to the heart of the matter. As much as I long for you to know me, I also long to know you with a complex, deep, unadulterated intensity that surpasses all surface level conversation and niceties. Let's be real.

Truthfully, it's not going to come easy. It's something I need to work on. You're going to have to really want to get to know me, because I don't crack naturally, and there is a certain amount of patience required. But if we are both willing to put in the time, I believe we can achieve some kind of mutual, transcendental understanding. I would like to get there.

The second takeaway, of course, is that regardless of who you know - you can have this level of deep understanding with Jesus. Even though I crave to have this with other people as well, I already have this kind of relationship with Him. It is a relief to know that however I am feeling - whether it's misunderstood, or hurt, or hollow, or even playful - He already knows, so I can be 100% genuine when I pray to the Lord, because there is nothing I can hide. I hope you have this kind of relationship with Him, too. It's freeing.

So, let's get dinner or coffee or ice cream sometime. Let's just be in each other's presence, without the distraction of technology. Let's meet each other halfway, and be patient. Let's talk. We don't have to try to build Rome in a day... but let's start somewhere and see how far we get.