Insecurity Breach

I've always longed to be understood.

I was never the popular kid in school. I wasn't the girl who had a lifelong best friend since kindergarten. I wasn't even someone who had a mortal enemy. I was just... that social chameleon who can get along with whoever. The studious girl. The one who seems nice, but who usually isn't worth the time investment. She's too quiet. She's too smart. She's too agreeable. She keeps to herself too much. I don't get her.

In high school, I thought I finally hit the jackpot. I made friends with a new girl. Neither of us really had any close friends, so it seemed perfect. We never got to hang out as much as I always imagined one would, with a best friend. I fantasized about having deep, meaningful, philosophical discussions - the kind where you bare your soul: your doubts, your fears, your insecurities, your hopes, your dreams, your life. The kind of conversations where you can talk about anything without judgment, without condemnation, without that nagging sense of worry, because you trust you will be loved and accepted for who you are. You know someone appreciates you for being unapologetically, uniquely you. No strings attached.

I've thought I found that a few times. But I got hurt. I withdrew. I came to the conclusion that it's generally not worth the risk, to be vulnerable. The prospect for pain and disappointment is too great. And so it has been.

That desire for connection is still there. Once in awhile, it rears its head, and it demands to have a seat at the table. It insists on being heard. Most of the time, I can wait it out. I can beat it back down into submission. I can pacify it by throwing myself hard into work, or a video game, or focusing on other people. Occasionally, a little glistening, sparkle of sincerity and candor leaks out in a passing sentence. (Blink and you might miss it.) Sometimes I'll wait. I'll wonder if, this time, someone might pull hard enough on the yarn to unravel the knot around my heart. That yearning is always there, lurking in the depths of my soul, wanting to be seen. Desperate to be understood.

The blog could end here, unceremoniously... hopelessly. Let's turn this around with a couple of takeaways.

If you know me, and you're intrigued and would like to get to know me better... ask. And ask again. Keep asking. Honestly, I love probing questions. I love to think, and sometimes it's fun to get caught off-guard. I want to get to the heart of the matter. As much as I long for you to know me, I also long to know you with a complex, deep, unadulterated intensity that surpasses all surface level conversation and niceties. Let's be real.

Truthfully, it's not going to come easy. It's something I need to work on. You're going to have to really want to get to know me, because I don't crack naturally, and there is a certain amount of patience required. But if we are both willing to put in the time, I believe we can achieve some kind of mutual, transcendental understanding. I would like to get there.

The second takeaway, of course, is that regardless of who you know - you can have this level of deep understanding with Jesus. Even though I crave to have this with other people as well, I already have this kind of relationship with Him. It is a relief to know that however I am feeling - whether it's misunderstood, or hurt, or hollow, or even playful - He already knows, so I can be 100% genuine when I pray to the Lord, because there is nothing I can hide. I hope you have this kind of relationship with Him, too. It's freeing.

So, let's get dinner or coffee or ice cream sometime. Let's just be in each other's presence, without the distraction of technology. Let's meet each other halfway, and be patient. Let's talk. We don't have to try to build Rome in a day... but let's start somewhere and see how far we get.

"The Perfect Boyfriend"

Wanted: a boyfriend for one Christ-centered woman

If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Sense of humor, good sport
Play games, all sorts

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and live near the city
Go on outings, like to cook
Love dogs, read books

Must attend church and love Jesus
A Disney/Pixar fan is a big plus
Willing to try new things
And you need to have good personal hygiene

If you aren't cruel or impatient
I await you with anticipation
A Cyclone supporter
would be most ideal
So we don't fight
at every other meal

Hurry, Boyfriend!
God bless
Sincerely,

Your future girlfriend, Jess ;)



Inspired by "The Perfect Nanny" from Mary Poppins:

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

"I feel like God has been calling me to do this," my friend gushed confidently.

Externally, I nodded as though I understood... but internally, I contemplated what exactly it feels like to be called to something by God.

There have been moments in my life where something felt really clear and obvious to do. But more often than not (especially recently), I've felt stuck in a holding pattern of uncertainty, with no apparent next step to take and no Gideon-esque sign from God laying out a plan.

I think I've felt what I would describe as "called" to write sometimes, over the last few months. It's like this preoccupation with an idea or a concept that I keep coming back to, and it feels like a nagging, energetic itch in my brain that I can't scratch without sharing. (In case you haven't figured it out, today's energetic itch is brought to you by the concept of "feelings!")

What are feelings? Can they be promptings from the Holy Spirit? Are they good, bad, or indifferent? Should I rely on them? What purpose do they serve?

I've felt a lot of different emotions in the last 12 months or so. In fact, I would argue that I've felt a greater range of feelings now than possibly ever before (sometimes all in the same day - can I get a witness?! 😅). What does it mean, when I feel consistently discouraged by aspects of my professional life, or when I feel lonely in my empty house, or when writing brings me fulfillment tinged with a sprinkle of anxiety? Or... does it mean anything at all?

I think the short answer to a lot of these questions is "it's complicated." I was listening to my current favorite podcast (The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast), and in one of the episodes, I really loved the way Lysa TerKeurst described emotions: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators."

In the past, I've often approached feelings with disdain, like they're not worth my time, an inconvenience, and something to be ignored and pushed past because they serve no purpose other than to get in my way. ("Hey, I'm walkin' here!")

And naturally, when they become too big to be ignored, then they're an all-consuming, life-draining monster.

Until more recently, I had never considered that feelings might actually be ok. I was a little bit dumbfounded when I was walking with a friend a month or so ago and she told me my feelings about my current situation were justified. "They are?!" I thought. I never knew I needed that validation! I wasn't giving it to myself. My thoughts up to that point usually consisted of: "You shouldn't feel this way. Why do you? Figure out how to fix it."

I do think there's a careful balance to walk - because while feelings shouldn't be ignored, they also shouldn't be relied upon as truth. They can be intuitive, but that doesn't make them infallible. Think of Cain, feeling angry and dejected - to the point where he attacked and killed his brother, Abel. Cain chose to allow his emotions to be dictators, which resulted in sin controlling him. He should have realized the emotions he was feeling were indicators that something was off, and he needed to check his heart and change his actions (by offering his best crops as a gift to the Lord, like Abel offered his best from his flock). The Lord even warns Cain so! "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master." Genesis 4:7

I frequently wish God would be so direct with me... but there is a beauty to the way He works in subtleties. If He can speak to me through the Bible, other believers, prayer, etc., then I certainly think that feelings (or "indicators," if you will) can also be used by God sometimes to reveal where I am at in my walk with Him and (if need be) nudge me in the right direction. Of course, I still need to be mindful that God's timing will not be the same as my timing - patience is required on my part. And most importantly, I think emotions need to be evaluated in conjunction with all of the other means through which I look to the Lord for guidance. Everything should be congruous. "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

I know it's not always as simple as it seems like it ought to be, but I do think having this perspective shift on emotions has been useful. I'll think of them more like a "check engine" light from now on. 😏