A Handy Home Improvement Guide for Real People

Step 1: Decide that you would like to have a shelf in your kitchen, and go buy a shelf. (Pro tip: order it online and have it delivered to your doorstep for maximum convenience and optimal laziness!)

**Please note how "EASY-TO-HANG" this particular Photo Legde is:

Step 2: Follow instructions. Take measurements, do math, use a level, mark up your wall with a pencil, and eventually conclude that "This looks about right!"

Step 3: Drill holes for wall anchors. (Optional: feel like a badass for using a power tool. 😎)

Step 4: Try to insert wall anchors into the holes you drilled. Discover the holes aren't big enough. Swap out for a bigger drill bit and make the holes bigger.

Step 5: Re-attempt to insert wall anchors. (The holes still aren't big enough?!) Grind around to make the holes a little bigger.

Step 6: Gently tap wall anchors in. ... Realize the holes still aren't big enough. Swear.

Step 7: Repeat steps 5 and 6 many times.

Step 8: Wonder if perhaps you're "gently tapping" too gently, and start hammering wall anchors more aggressively.

Step 9: Bend and contort wall anchors to an extent that you're not sure if they're still usable. Remove them from the wall and pitch them across the room.

Step 10: Fish through your cache of random supplies for different wall anchors.

Step 11: Insert new wall anchors into the holes and easily screw them in with a Phillips-head screwdriver. (Success!)

Step 12: Manage to not quite get one wall anchor flush with the wall. (... Close enough!) Insert screws into wall anchors.

Step 13: Hang shelf on wall... and discover that the shelf isn't level because your screws need to be further into the wall, but you've pretty much stripped out the screws already to get them this far. Swear again.

Step 14: Dig felt furniture pads out of your drawer and stick them on the back of the shelf to make it flush with the wall. (Optional: congratulate yourself on your ingenuity!)

Step 15: Re-hang shelf on wall... and discover that the felt pads have overcorrected the problem and now the shelf is tilted too far up instead of too far down. Swear some more.

Step 16: Carefully peel felt pads off the back of the shelf and stick on leftover lower-profile cabinet bumpers you found in your drawer instead.

Step 17: PRAY.

Step 18: Hang shelf on wall... and determine that although it's not perfect, the shelf looks the best you've seen it look yet. Remind yourself that you're (fairly) confident it's not going anywhere and that there's nothing more to be done to improve it at this point.

Step 19: Decorate your shelf accordingly.

Step 20: Text your friends and family and write a blog post about it. Feel accomplished, but also a little bit bitter. (Vow to never hang anything on a wall ever again, but know that you'll be doomed to repeat the process sooner or later.) Rest and bask in the greatness of your new shelf!

Time to complete: 1.5 hours or more (results may vary)

How do you measure a year in a life?

11 years walking.

7 years gone.

Still no cure.

Someday, I hope I can stop collecting these t-shirts. Here's to 2021!

2010

2011

2012

2013

2014

2015

2016

2017

2018

2019

2020

My slippers need policing

Every breath you take...

And every move you make...

Every bond you break, every step you take...

I'll be watchin' you.

Let's call it a wrap!

I started this NaNoWriMo adventure spontaneously the day of, with no plan and no expectations. These last ten days have been an interesting ride, and I've definitely learned a lot... but I also know when it's time to fold, so I'm cashing in my chips. (Ten days in a row is still good and a new record for me, in terms of both consistency and frequency! There are no losers in a writing challenge.) The "official" goal is 50,000 words in 30 days (1,667 words per day), so for the sake of curiosity, this is how I stacked up:

Word count:

Day 1 - 822
Day 2 - 1,232
Day 3 - 124
Day 4 - 618
Day 5 - 46
Day 6 - 911
Day 7 - 983
Day 8 - 624
Day 9 - 854
Day 10 - 531

Grand Total: 6,745 words

Average: 600-800 words per day

Of course, that is strictly looking at the body of my blog posts - I'm sure I frequently exceeded the daily word count if you include all my other communications. In summary, 50,000 words sounds like a lot, but I don't think it's quite as much as it appears on the surface. If you had a plan and were writing one novel with consistent characters and settings (and not trying to come up with random blogging ideas every day...), I don't think it would be terrible to write every day, even if you didn't achieve 1,667 words.

That being said - it does require a certain level of persistence (no one just "accidentally" writes a novel), and though I was excited to challenge myself and write about whatever inspired me each day, the act of pointedly sitting down to do so was not always an easy task. If I made a living by writing, I'd like to think there would be no shortage of time in the day to achieve whatever goal I might set my mind to, but it's not always simple or practical to squeeze writing in to an already full schedule of work, chores, the occasional social commitment, and sleep. (I suppose eating is usually somewhere in there, too?)

I believe I could go the full 30 days (although I might be a bit worse for the wear, by that point), but these last ten days, writing has taken the place of most of my spare time, so it comes at the cost of reading books, maintaining my house and personal affairs, and leisure activities that spark my interest and creativity. Overall, I'll chalk this exercise up as a success, and perhaps with more forethought, I'll be able to best myself in the future. Quality over quantity is key, but it's nice to know this task is a little less impossible than I imagined.

Until we meet again!

~

"This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard." Neil Gaiman

"Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on." Louis L'Amour

"You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can't edit a blank page." Jodi Picoult

The Tell-Tale Thump in the Night

It started out like any other evening.

After a long day of work and other errands, I settled down on my couch. A brief stint playing a video game turned into reading a book of short stories, which eventually progressed into exhaustion. The midnight witching hour wasn't too far off by the time I dragged myself upstairs to get ready for bed. I eased under the covers and opened my second book - a Jane Austen, and a challenge - for one last quick read before succumbing to the blank nothingness of not-quite-enough sleep ahead of doing it all over again the next day.

As I scoured through Austen's densely-packed words, I knew I'd hit the jackpot when I began uncomprehendingly reading the same paragraph over and over again. It's time to give it up for the night, I told myself. You'll finish the chapter tomorrow. I closed the book, both reluctant and satisfied, and turned off the light. Time to drift.

Thump thump thump thump.

My eyes jolted open. Had I imagined the noise? What time is it? About 1:15 am, I noted. I was alarmed, but not overly concerned. Probably just house noises, I meditated. Could be the wind. Maybe traffic noise? A trash can lid. Something innocuous, no doubt. It won't happen again... but I'll listen just in case.

Thump thump thump thump.

My heart jumped into my throat. What on earth could that be, at this time of night? It sounds like someone pounding on a door... but why now? And really, wouldn't they ring the doorbell, if it was urgent? I reasoned. I check my phone - no missed calls or texts.

Do I get up? I thought. If it's not someone knocking - and even if it is - then it's someone breaking in, isn't it? On the other hand, I considered, wouldn't they be louder if they were breaking and entering? If I assume the worst, I argued with myself, then someone is slowly and methodically prying my house apart to work their way in. Do I really want to run into them, in the middle of the night?

Thump thump thump thump.

It's not stopping. If I don't go investigate, I'll never get back to sleep. I sat on the edge of my bed. And this is exactly what EVERY victim in EVERY horror movie EVER said RIGHT BEFORE THEY DIED. I sighed. I'll just start by getting up, making a little noise by walking to the bathroom, and I'll see if it happens aga-

Thump thump thump thump.

Ok, I resolved. That settles it. I have to know. It's just a noise - no evidence yet, no reason to panic, no need to call anyone and create unnecessary worry. I pulled out my metal baseball bat. I can't fathom what it is or why I can hear it so well, but I'll 'grand slam' whatever is out there or I'll prove it's nothing and maybe I'll still be able to get some sleep tonight. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't?

I gingerly opened the door and flipped on the light to the landing. So far, nothing to cause alarm. Light scares away predators, I mused. Or... does it attract them like a moth to a flame?

I crept down the stairs, phone in one hand, bat in the other. A real life Nancy Wheeler, I rolled my eyes. A demogorgon would sure hate to run into you alone in the dark. I quickly flipped on the living room light and scoured my house while remaining stationary. Nothing.

Quelling the panic within, I took a seat on the couch, weapon across my knees. I'll just get my bearings for a moment, I reassured myself. I'm nothing if not patient. When the noise happens again, I'll isolate its location like a bat with echolocation. Yes, that's it - I'm Batman. The Dark Knight, steeling myself in the dark night. I laughed nervously... and I waited.

5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. Silence.

Well, I made it this far, I breathed. Whatever it was, it appeared to be gone - but I knew sleep wouldn't come without a complete search. Zoinks, Scoob! Looks like we've got another mystery on our hands. I eased up from my statue position and braced for the worst.

I crept all throughout my house flipping on lights, peering out windows, jabbing the baseball bat wildly in front of me. Nothing here nor there, and no signs of intelligent life anywhere. Hmph. I closed up shop, and left the outdoor lights on. That'll show those monsters.

Clutching my bat, I trudged back up the stairs, resigned but relieved. I was a little jittery, but it was better than still lying frozen in terror in my bed, drenched in sweat and trying to comfort myself with suppositions, all in vain. No sense in making it easy, though - I locked my bedroom door behind me, turned off the light, and climbed into bed, bat by my side. I'll be ready when the thumps come back, I murmured, sighing deeply and closing my eyes. Just you wait and see.

"Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door"

Sometimes, I like to listen to podcasts in the morning while I'm getting ready for work. It's usually something with a spiritual bent: Made For This with Jennie Allen, or The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast. It sets the tone for my day, and oftentimes whatever they're speaking about is something that's been on my mind lately too.

As we head into winter, it feels like we're heading into a cave. But this isn't just the cold, dark winter cave with the occasional Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is that, plus COVID continued. This is that, plus more isolation and closures and panic. This is that, plus. And I suspect I'm not the only one who is just a little extra worried and freaked out about what's coming. All this was hard enough back in March, when we were starting to escape winter. We went through spring and summer and fall with only marginal normalcy and very little reprieve... and now we're headed back into winter again, and not much has changed. Can we get through this?

I hope so. Jennie Allen released a podcast episode on Tuesday last week called "Lonely." In it, she recited this quote from Henri Nouwen:

“There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves - our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives - large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.”

We need each other, to get through everything going on right now. There's a place in our heart that only God can fill, but our relationships with other people are supposed to mirror our relationship with God in terms of love, mercy, and grace, and I think the rest of our heart is supposed to be full from these kinds of generous interactions with others. Nothing calms uncertainty and fear quite like the presence of another.

While I do think family is important, you have a sort of blood obligation to your family that you don't have to a friend, so I'm stressing the importance of friendships here. There is something very special about developing a bond and vulnerability with someone who on all accounts owes you nothing, but you both choose to bring what you have to the table and enjoy it or work through it anyway (depending on the situation).

So, if you don't have at least one really good friend going into this upcoming season - preferably, a whole community - whom you can reach out to and be brutally honest with when life gets to be too much, then I would encourage you to be bold and make the first move. Pour into someone you already know and go deeper, or reach out and rekindle a friendship from the past. Get plugged into your church and get involved in a life group. Then, keep at it. Friendship takes time. (On average, 50 hours for a casual friend, 100 hours for a real friend, and 200 hours for a close friend! https://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-it-take-make-friend-friendship-advice-t126538)

We're all going to need to get by with a little help from our friends.

Back to (New) Normal

"What do we have a coupon for...?" is something I heard all the time growing up. My family made a lot of decisions based on whether there was a deal available. Want to go out to eat? Check the coupons. Want to go do some activity? Check the coupons. Kidney beans on sale? Stock up and buy 10 cans.

Make all the snide remarks you want, but it did teach me how to look for ways to stretch a dollar! Being a penny pincher is a valuable skill to have. (I also learned that it doesn't always make sense to buy too much more than what you need - we had beans in the pantry for years...)

So I had a birthday not too long ago, and you know what that means, right? Free stuff. I did my best to take advantage of all the deals. I'm a member of Flix Brewhouse's club (whatever it's called), and their special birthday deal is a free movie ticket. COVID has complicated things all year, but theaters had been working on opening back up for awhile. I follow a friend's blog (their whole family loves Flix), so by the time my birthday came around, I heard it was back up and running. Virus be damned, you better believe I'm gonna use my free ticket before it expires!

Not too long ago, it was down to the last week I could use my ticket, so I pulled up the movie schedule. After cross checking genres and Rotten Tomatoes scores, I determined that my best choice was Tenet. Reviews said it was complicated to follow, but amazing to see on the big screen. (And hey, I'm smart! Like some movie could be over my head... puhhlease.)

I normally don't go see movies by myself (or very often at all, to be honest - ask anyone, they'll tell you how offended they are that I haven't seen <insert name of your favorite "classic" movie here>), but I wasn't sure if anyone wanted to risk a theater visit with me, coordinating schedules is a pain, I only had one free ticket, and I've read articles touting the benefits of "taking yourself on a date." Ok, sure. I can be great company sometimes. At least I won't get annoyed with myself for talking through the movie or chewing too loud or snoring. Why not?

I booked the ticket, movie day arrived, and I was excited. When was the last time I went to a theater... a year ago? Was it Frozen II? Dang. I walked in. It was empty. It felt kind of eerie and uncomfortable, like a ghost town.

I entered the theater. Now granted, Tenet had been out awhile... a month or two? ...There were a whole two other people in the theater - a father and his son. That's it. Full house.

I went to grab the menu... and it was gone. Of course. Must've missed grabbing a throwaway paper menu somewhere on my way in. Hey, remember not too long ago, when we were trying to cut back on waste and reuse everything, including straws? Haha. The stupid little things make me laugh sometimes...

Servers don't automatically come around to take your order anymore - you push the button to call them when you want something to eat or drink. That's fair. I pulled up Flix's website, figuring I'd just browse a menu on there. I usually order the California chicken sandwich (a favorite of one of my friends) because it comes with Flix's fries, which are ahhmazing. I was in the mood for an Italian soda, but was struggling to find it on the online menu. Whatever. I figured I'd sort it out when the server arrived.

She showed up, and I proceeded to find out their temporarily downsized menu does not include the Cali chicken sandwich. WHAT. I struggled to improvise on the spot, but I think she sensed my panic and helped me cobble together an impromptu take on a bacon and bleu burger. Italian soda? That's not a thing anymore either. Ugh. My blogger friend loves Flix's Golden Ale - please tell me that's still on the menu? Thank goodness. I took a page out of his book and ordered that to go with my burger and fries. When in Rome!

No one else took a seat in the theater, so it was just the three of us total. It was so quiet. The movie started, and the food and drink came. The fries were just as delicious as I remembered. 😋 (The burger and beer was good too!) Tenet was a level of mind-blowingness comparable to Inception (which makes sense, since Christopher Nolan directed both films), and all the reviews were right - it was fantastic to behold on the big screen. Even with all the brains in my head, I'm not sure I fully followed everything... but honestly, it didn't really matter. It was just plain cool. (Side note: I tried to watch a video explaining the intricacies of the plot after I got home, and couldn't stay awake through the video - so I gave it up. Sometimes, you just appreciate art for it's beauty, I guess!) I found this parody video online, though, and it's pretty great. I would of course recommend seeing the actual movie first, but it doesn't do a bad job in 3 minutes for "only $20":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drBXMWZqlN0

All in all, I had a great time, and I was a cheap date! It felt nice, and almost normal to see a movie in a theater again. (With only three of us total in the theater, it felt more like what I imagine it would be like to see a movie after the rapture or a zombie apocalypse - but on the plus side, it didn't feel crowded! 😉) I would definitely do it again... but I'll probably only go if I have a coupon.

"You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot, for the places and people you’re lucky you’re not."

So this is Day 6 of blogging every day (say what you want, but I technically still wrote something yesterday, short as it was!). What I've discovered is that I don't think writing itself is ever a struggle for me (just ask the people I text regularly... 😬). The bigger issue is coming up with things to say that I think are worth reading, and fitting the act of writing into my schedule. It gets to be time-consuming, because I research and polish and finesse until every word and sentence and paragraph is just so - which is probably unnecessary at least part of the time, but such is my nature. What can you do?

Anyway, the election has obviously been on the minds of pretty much everyone all week (and will continue to consume life as we know it for the foreseeable future, as far as anyone can tell). I voted, and of course I'd prefer the results to go one way over another, but I'm honestly not that bothered by who wins. I'll explain why.

Sometime in the past (can't recall exactly when - "like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives" 😉), the Bible study group I'm in went through the book of Judges. If you're not familiar with the Biblical timeline up to this point (the books of Genesis through Joshua), it goes (very briefly) like this:

Genesis - Creation. Adam and Eve. Sin. Noah and the flood. The tower of Babel. Abram and Sarai (Abraham and Sarah). God makes a covenant with Abraham. Isaac is born. Abraham's faith is tested. Jacob. Joseph (and how the Israelites ended up in Egypt).

Exodus - The Israelites are slaves in Egypt. Moses and the burning bush. Plagues. Pharaoh eventually lets the Israelites go. Moses is given the ten commandments. Aaron and the gold calf. Ark of the covenant, tabernacle, priests, etc.

Leviticus - Procedures and instructions for offerings and lots of information about conduct.

Numbers - A census of the Israelites. Organizing the tribes and assigning duties. Complaining. Scouts explore Canaan (the promised land). The people panic and rebel. The Israelites are banished to the wilderness for 40 years instead of entering the promised land now. Moses struck the rock and was also forbidden from entering the promised land.

Deuteronomy - Moses pleads with the Israelites to remember and obey. How to divide the promised land. Regulations. Joshua becomes the new leader of the Israelites. Moses dies.

Joshua - Entering the promised land. Rahab protects the spies. Jericho falls. Israel defeats lands and armies and kings (when they obey the Lord). Land is divided amongst the tribes. Joshua dies.

(Sparknotes complete - congratulations!)

The book of Judges occurs during the time period after Joshua dies, but before Israel is governed by kings. Judges (Gideon and Samson, for familiar examples) are appointed by God to rule over Israel for short periods of time. Unfortunately, the Israelites fall into a repetitive pattern of disobeying the Lord, being conquered and oppressed, and crying out to the Lord. The Lord rescues His people by sending a judge, who gets the Israelites back on track - but the judge eventually dies, and Israel goes back to disobeying, being conquered and oppressed, crying out... and so on. The longer the cycle goes on, the further and further away from God the people get. By the end, all sorts of immoral behavior is rampant amongst the Israelites, and one overarching observation is repeated four times: "In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as they saw fit." (Judges 17:6, 18:1, 19:1, 21:25)

However, no matter how many times the Israelites kept screwing up and crying out, God always came to their rescue and provided them with a new leader to throw off their oppressors and restore peace. We witness them reject God as king again and again, but He delivers them out of their distress every time, in spite of their sinfulness. God is always faithful to His covenant with the Israelites, and the book of Judges truly showcases this and, subsequently, points to Jesus in the New Testament (as do so many of the Old Testament books!).

It doesn't sound so bad from what I've described, but it's a dark and tragic time for the Israelites, and even though the judges God appoints accomplish what He needs them to, each judge is more violent and disturbing than the last. One judge leads Israel into idolatry and starts a civil war between the tribes. Another judge thinks sacrificing his daughter will please God. Gideon is a coward, and Samson is violent and sex-crazed. A tent peg gets hammered through someone's head. A pagan temple is built. There's sexual abuse, slaughter, and retribution. It's a huge train wreck.

But God used who was available. Yes, most of the judges were severely flawed, but they had a few redeeming moments (for example, Deborah is great, and Gideon grows in his faith and courage over time). Overall, the book of Judges demonstrates how far the Israelites had fallen... but they were never forsaken by God, and we see countless examples in this book and all throughout the Bible of God using unexpected people who have done terrible things to fulfill His glorious plan.

So Trump or Biden, Republican or Democrat, I know God will use whoever ends up in office to accomplish His purpose. He's got it under control, and thank God for that! I've got enough to worry about with this blog. 😊

Find the Good News

Hey, wait a second... weren't we supposed to get hit by an asteroid? What happened to that?

https://www.cnet.com/news/looks-like-that-election-day-asteroid-didnt-smack-us-after-all/

Hm. So 2018 social distanced from 2020 in a year plagued by 2019. You know what - that checks out. At least we dodged one bullet this year! 😏

What Lies Beneath

It all started when I was in elementary school.

Back in that day, movies were on VHS tapes, music was on cassettes, and computers were ugly, hulking machines. Books then are the same as books now, however, and my love and respect for them hasn't changed over the years.

My family has always been thrifty, so I don't believe we went to see The Pagemaster in theaters, but at some point it showed up in my home video collection (whether bought new or at a garage sale), and it became a fast favorite. A fearful kid, played by Macauley Culkin (circa Home Alone era), finds himself in a grand library. He slips, hits his head, and is transported into a mystical, animated book world, complete with book friends based (and named) on genres: Adventure, Fantasy, and Horror. They go off together and encounter otherworldly settings and characters based on actual stories in these genres (Moby Dick, Treasure Island, Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) while trying to help Macauley's character escape this cartoon world of fiction and get back home. There's plenty of wholesome lessons and eventually a happy ending - I won't spoil everything for you. It's a dated movie, but cute. Watch it, if you get the chance!

I loved this movie, growing up... except for one scene, which haunts me to this day.

One of the first fictional worlds the characters find themselves in is an eerie manor inhabited by a polite, well-dressed doctor. He invites them inside from the elements, and kindly offers them a drink. Adventure accepts, but the drink ends up getting spilled by Horror... and when the liquid eats a hole in the floor, it becomes evident by the mood and tone so far what story and genre our protagonists are in.

The respectable gentleman downs his own drink and starts to undergo his transformation. "Doctor... Jekyll?" our cautious hero stammers. The man, now bedraggled, slowly creeps toward the screen, fingers interlocked over his face. "My name is... MR. HYDE!" he screams, quickly removing his fingers and revealing a gruesome, horrific, nightmare-inducing face with red eyes, pointed teeth, and a sickening pallor. Consumed by madness, Mr. Hyde chases the characters around the manor until they find a way to escape into the next story.

Mr. Hyde's face... is terrifying. (I looked it up to research this post, and it still legit gives me PTSD from being 7-years-old, so I'm not even going to post the screenshot I found. 😰) His slow, intentional, shambling movements toward the camera... his maniacal laughter... his determination to hunt down the boy and his friends at all costs... it all laid a firm foundation for my aversion to jump scares and horror that I fervently cling to, even now.

For the longest time, I feared that the monster resided in the basement of my childhood home, lurking in the shadows, eagerly waiting for the one day I forgot to sprint up the basement stairs to grab me by the ankle and pull me into the darkness. It didn't matter if the light was on or off - I was certain he was right behind me as soon as my back was turned to the open abyss.

I'm a little less plagued by irrational dread now... but once in awhile, the basement shadows will shift and give me pause, and I'll scramble up the stairs just a little quicker than normal and shut the door firmly behind me. The closed door provides safety and a tangible barrier. I have an understanding with the unknown: I'll share my house with whatever lives down there, as long as it agrees to keep quiet and stay out of my sight.